guilty........

Being an IITian has been a big achievement.This place has taught me a lot in the time i've spent here.But there's one more thing it has done, it has separated me fom my parents. Of course the physical separation is there but I feel it has now penetrated emotionally as well.

My parents dont call to find out how i'm doing academcally or what i'm upto. Not that they used to, they never did right from my childhood.Perhaps thats one reason I am here today and I am what I am, since i've always controlled and decided the course of my life. I have never been questioned or stopped from doing anything. My mom's just signed the report cards apart from taking care of my nutrition and dad has taken care of the financial needs.

But all along they would know when I was happy, when I was tense or worried or when I needed to be talked to or cajoled or pampered.But no more........
I am largely responsible for it as I never share anything with them. Even at home they would come to know as I would be right in front of their eyes but not anymore and hence they have no idea of the funtimes or tough ones.
They do not ask about my performance in the exams as I have made them believe we're given marks just at the end of every semester and not during it.

I've never in the last 2 yrs let them know if I was ill or hurt or sad,never.......and at times even the joyous occasions go unreported.
Sometimes this makes me brave and independent.
Sometimes I'm ashamed of myself.
Its hardly been a dozen times I've called home to talk to them myself.
I mostly call when I am in need of cash.


Nowadays they dont even know when I'm having my exams. This time my dad called the day before the end sems began to ask me how had my endsems gone and when was I coming home.
Then I told him they were staring the next day and would go on for five days.
I expected them to say a few words of caution and wisdom and give me their blessings or wish me good luck. But none of that happened,infact I had no calls for the next four days.

This I found really surprising considering they know how stressful the exams here are. I get a call each time there is a suicide due to academic reasons but none during the exams.

I feel an emotional divide has come up between me and them. I've never shared my fears and problems with them but now at time I dont share my joy as well.
Even during my pre JEE days they never had a hint of what I was going through or how heart-broken and depressed I would be if something went wrong.I had to wake my father up on the exam day to seek his blessings, something that makes me laugh even today.

But now things are different and I really feel detached from them.
I dont think being an IITian is going to be worth it if it takes me away from my parents.In the days and years to follow I am hardly going to spend time with them and I fear things getting worse.

I am totally responsible for this mess and am not putting up with the job of being a good son.They love me more than anything else in the world. I do the same but I dont express it in my behaviour or actions.I should behave much more responsibly. Living in my small family of friends here I have almost forgot the one back home.
I'll try my best to improve things in the week I spend home this month.

the transition

Another attempt to resume blogging, hope it isnt a valiant one this time

Its been almost a week since the exams have ended.Though this time the period following their end it wasnt all fun and frolic. The exams itself were a real pain, something they always are butthis time I admit it was the most gruelling fortnight I've been through. Not that I pushed myself by studying for 12 hrs a day, thats not in my capcacity. But psychologically it was really challenging as I had gone into the exams with very poor preparation.

Anyways as soon as I got over with them another hurdle was in front of me, waiting to test my ability and judgement. I was yet again confronted with the question of wether I wanted to change my stream or not.

I was inclined to make the change since the last couse I had done in EE had tested my resilience like none before. For the very first time an exam had brought me to tears and I admit I cried a couple of times in the couple of days leading to it as I really feared my grade in the course. This was partly beacuse of my lack of preparation and rest was due to the relative grading.The 'maggus', people whose sole purpose of existence here is getting the best grades had skewed the distribution in the midsems and were bound to repeat it yet again.
I have nothing against them, maybe thats what they enjoy doing.I do not want to shy away from the competiton but I am finding it difficult as our academic system is catering to the needs and style of the maggus like never before.The exams are a real mockery or triviality I should say.Questions are handpicked from the assignments and the prescribed textbooks.This is not expected of the best technological institute in the country. I believe they should devise better methods to put to test the best brains in the nation.

In almost all the courses I have done here I have observed success was proportional to the number of hours you put in rather than your understanding, now this puts me on a serious disadvantage.

After a few hours of discussions I came to the conclusion that I should opt for it as the system in place in the EE dept caters to the maggus much more than the one in the CSE dept and the courses in CSE are more enjoyable and interesting.
As I had no special liking or interest in EE I went ahead and just hope god helps me get across this time around.

But I sinscerely regret leaving my friends, almost all of whom are in EE. Guys I'm sorry and I will always miss sharing the classroom with you, together testing the patience of the instructor, the JOEY dance, the ai-hai's and everything else...........